Devoured by Flame

There will likely never be a point where you know something is certain with the Gods. Especially if you work with a Deity like Loki. This is not just due to misdirection or misjudgment but it can also be due to fear and They are waiting for you to make a choice. 

Guidance from the Gods is never going to be straightforward. It will always be a test of your will and your discernment. There is no amount of time you’ll have practiced long enough or been favored by the Gods enough, or think you have all of the information you need to move forward. You won’t get enough signs to prove you’re right. You’re not going to get enough evidence to prove They are real.

It all really boils down to this: are you truly lacking clarity or are you too afraid to move? When does “divine timing” become an excuse not to do anything? Are you waiting for a sign or are you waiting for a guarantee that doesn’t exist?

There are no guarantees in life – especially when you work with the Gods. Failure is the only true guarantee you’ll have. Failure is not a punishment or a test. It can be a reward for trying. Trying with failure doesn’t always mean misjudgment. Sometimes something won’t make sense until you do something wrong, turn around, and try again, until you see something different as a result. It is an experiment rather than a solution. An idea rather than a theory.

Making a choice in the way that you fail may not make sense to you at the time. The Gods guide their devotees down many rabbit holes with dead ends on a regular basis. 

Why? 

It’s not just because they are difficult to understand or because you’re not special enough to be granted Their wisdom just by being you. It is rather that, in order to grow your understanding of things, you have to be okay with being wrong. You may later find out that you weren’t wrong to begin with, it just is a dual truth that is more complex to the inexperienced eye. The truth sometimes requires failure to be established. No amount of reading or research will replace that. No amount of offerings or devotion or love will make it stop. To know the Gods, you must know failure as intimately as you know yourself.

We as humans hate being wrong. We set up whole organized religions who testify that their way is the only right way and in order to prove it for themselves, they create all sorts of false teachings to further their narrative. Forcing things into truth is not how truth gets formed. Forcing things into being is not how the Gods work.

Humans didn’t evolve overnight. It took several millennia to become who we are. In the same vein, going to take several generations to restart a religious practice that centers around Deities who are no longer a part of our daily life and society. It is inevitable that we are all going to fail with Them and be totally and even devastatingly wrong. 

So why not take the leap? Why not jump, regardless of evidence? If it is because of fear of being wrong but you are doing so in pursuit of the Divine, They will give you backup in your failure. They will lead you down other roads that may take a while to go down, but there will be opportunities nonetheless simply because you yourself took that first step and walked into the abyss. 

It is perhaps the most sacred offering. A sacrifice, perhaps. The sacrifice of ego is the absolute most challenging aspect of working with the Divine. Even when you think your ego has been shattered, doing something wrong for the umpteenth time will inevitably show you that there is still more to be destroyed. Yet, it is more precious and more sacred than all the offerings you could otherwise give. 

It will look embarrassing. You’ll probably kick yourself, scream into a void, and hide away in shame. It won’t look very fun or cute. You’ll be ridiculous and contemplate shoving your tools and shrine into a trash can. You will feel small and stupid. You’ll think the Gods abandoned you, but really, your shame clouds your discernment and your fear freezes you into place. You’d think that it was better that you didn’t try so you could have avoided it. You’d think you’re being punished. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. This is the Gods at play. This is how failure brings you to Them.

A Personal Story 

I’ve personally said and done some less than attractive things in the face of my failure several times over the last 8 years that I’ve been side by side with Loki. But yet, throughout time, He has proven that all those failures added up to success eventually. Even if it takes all 8 of those years and then some. However, it’s not that I stopped feeling shame or stopped failing – it’s that I built a sort of resilience around it such that I don’t care as much. Shame does not bother me.

A great example I have as of late is that, at the beginning of this year, at 30 years old, I took up figure skating again. I took to most skills naturally as a result of my time on the ice prior as a child, but other skills I was learning all over again. I worked diligently for 8 months – I had a coach, I took classes, I was a regular at the rink 2-3 times per week. I invested in new blades and boots, new gear, and got everything I could to protect myself. At the end of the day, no training or gear or favor prevented me from falling a little over two weeks ago from the time I posted this.

My leg twisted and broke. I had to have surgery and be in the hospital for a little less than a week. When people – and I’m talking every single nurse, doctor, or caregiver who came into my hospital room asked what happened, my explanation always left them in shock. Adults just… don’t figure skate. Adults don’t go out and do things that children do because they end up in hospital beds like I did. They don’t explore and play. They don’t take risks.

I learned that people are afraid of the ice. They’re afraid of looking silly. They don’t like how unnatural it is to skate. They don’t bother even if they wanted to. But they’ll admire those who do try yet never try themselves. And how sad is that? Why admire someone when the opportunity is there for you to start at any point? Why wait for the moment you’re not afraid to try? That moment will never come and you’ll die not knowing what it was like to try which leads to regret and disappointment. And, in all honesty? It is disappointing in my eyes.

Truthfully, I wasn’t even doing something difficult – it is the very nature of the ice that puts people at risk. I can jump and spin and lean on the single edge of a very thin blade but I never fell because of those things. I fell because there were hockey players on the ice prior to the session I was on and they carve up the ice enough that it creates deep ridges. When that happens, my toe pick can get stuck. My boot is stiff enough that it did not twist my ankle – however, my leg twisted and broke right above my boot. 

Will I try again? You can bet your ass I’m going to be on the ice again the minute I’m cleared to do so. And that is probably going to be more painful and awful as it was when I got on the ice again initially 8 months ago. I refuse to give up because of some awful timing and a freak accident. I’m strong because of this. The absolute worst thing happened and now nothing scares me. The worst case scenario has happened a lot in my time with Loki, actually. He seems to make a point in bringing that into my life. You can’t get over a fear unless you realize that it is nothing to be afraid of in the first place – at least not to the degree that you’re frozen and unwilling to move.

My point is, of course, as they say in Dune, fear is the mind killer. If you don’t experience fear, you will never move or learn. The more failure you experience, the less fear will be involved, and the easier it will get to fail and fail again. Especially when it comes to dealing with the Gods.

Trying and failing is what makes us human. It is what pushes us forth into the great abyss. It is what brings the Gods closer to us. The better we adapt to fear and failure, the easier it will be for us to walk with Them. 

Loki of all Deities is the worst culprit. He will lead you down winding roads that go nowhere. Until you step back after a certain amount of time and realize all of a sudden that every single one of those points at which you thought you made a wrong turn is exactly what guided you back to Him. All of those wrong turns were guided by His hand. Which is incredibly clever, in my opinion. 

I am in awe every time I become aware of something that all connects in the same way after excessive failure and disappointment. It is why I run back to Loki after every test He brings. It is a testament of His genius. It encourages me to go forth to be ravished by His wisdom through the failure and seemingly foolishness He brings me. It is what separates those who know Him and those who don’t. It’s what confirms His love for me. 

I invite you to fail. To make the wrong choices. To not wait until you receive utmost confirmation to move forward. Tomorrow is not a guarantee in this life. If you have the ability to know the Gods during it, why not try and try again? If the world is built of beautiful experiences, why stay in one place until you’re dead? You are not in the ground yet. You’re only as dead as you’re willing to believe you are as long as you’re breathing and above ground. Life is for the living – so live and be human while doing so and love the Gods as profoundly as They’ll love you for trying.