The advent of the internet has caused massive fluctuations in our social lives and how we relate to one another. Not only is this impacting our personal lives but it also impacts how we perceive the Divine. This is massively because how we relate to each other on the internet can often be created via parasocial relationships – aka, relationships that don’t exist outside of the imagined experiences with another individual.
This can often look like following your favorite YouTuber or Tiktoker and getting a feel for their personality – their likes, their dislikes, understanding how they operate, etc. which there is nothing wrong with, to be clear.
Understanding a human experience outside of your own from other walks of life is how deep connections can happen and can develop a more well-rounded understanding of our universe therein. Now more than ever, do we get to see how someone from the other side of the world lives. My most memorable experience online is learning how an African woman lives her day to day life in an African village and how she deals with the environment, the day-to-day essentials, and what she does for fun. Another recent one I have enjoyed was following a woman who lives in the middle of the Grand Canyon with her kids in an indigenous village and learning what it means to live somewhere that cars cannot access as well as the culture.
It is an amazing tool, being capable of learning and witnessing the incredible feats of humanity and how they cope with their own individual realities.
As with all things, there most definitely is an imbalance to be had. It comes from having only parasocial relationships instead of organic, non-internet bound relationships that can be free to grow without the constraints of being online. This is scarily dwindling with each incoming generation. Interpersonal relationships and how we cope with daily lives with each other has began to cripple our ability to live our lives instead of the lives of others we see online.
This is, of course, affecting our spiritual lives, as well. It begins to cheapen our experiences with the Divine and develops shortcuts that were never supposed to be there. People begin to either consciously or unconsciously expect a certain caliber of relationship to happen without them putting in the time and effort or do the necessary work required to be aligned with the Divine enough to be able to access this.
Most “beginner” advice points to giving offerings and asking for things in return or doing research and building an altar for the Deity of choice. This is good and all – of course all of those things are important and integral. You should know how to build reciprocity and also understand the culture from which the Deity was created and how that might affect how They interact with you.
For example, a Greek Deity and a Norse Deity are both going to have their own perspectives on initiating contact with humans and how they maintain their individual relationships because of how they were brought into this world. Even though Hermes and Loki are very similar in their roles and both tricksters, you cannot say flat out that both of them are going to act exactly the same as the other. Loki is particular about who he wants to interact with and I am certain Hermes is the same way.
However, if you don’t know why you’re doing that or what good it will do for the aforementioned Deity and yourself, then all you’ll ever be is stuck in square one. Which is where most people end up staying and believing that’s where they stand with the Deity in question but never go past that initial line of thought.
Which brings me to my point in all of this:
How do you know if you are experiencing a relationship with a Deity and not a parasocial one?
Now more than ever it is important to distinguish what it is to be parasocially in a relationship with a Deity versus what it is to be in an actual one.
Parasocial relationships remain at the surface of a Deity. You learn who They are, how they function, and what good (or harm) they might do for you or otherwise. You learn by understanding their personality and also how other people experience Them. Most people go for years like this – you listen to your intuition but it is already flooded with ideas from those around you and never what really has to happen in order to initiate contact with the Deity. If your intuition is muddled and surrounded by consistent reaffirmations and reassurances based on all those people around you and what you have defined the Deity as, you’ll never go past this first step in establishing a relationship with one.
And perhaps that’s all you care for. Perhaps that’s all you’re ready to know. That is also fine. But you have to understand – just because most people tend to function like this and seem to be having a decent time, it does not ultimately mean that you are receiving the same benefit as one who might not be functioning in that way.
The opposite of parasocial would mean putting in an extra amount of work into separating these two Beings – the one you find constantly around you on social media and in your research, and the one who may or may not be actively knocking down your door asking and waiting for you to see Them.
Some significant telltale signs that you are experiencing an actual relationship with a Divine being are the following:
You have accountability. You aren’t chronically online and writing posts about the first thing you felt about a Deity immediately. You aren’t guessing that it is what it is because a Deity will never be mistaken for something else. It will be obvious immediately. You’ll never go without confirmation just by way of Their very presence.
You might boast that you had a really cool ritual experience and feel a need to talk about it but it is important to ask yourself if you’re doing that to ask for validation and confirmation from other sources unwittingly or not? Are you sincerely wishing to share what you’ve experienced or are you just needing to make sure that what you experienced was real?
You don’t focus on metrics. You’re not looking for the next big hit or the next “big experience” and logging the time between each one. You aren’t caring how often you hear a Deity or feel like you hear Them and determining where you might stand because it’s been over a week or a month (or a year).
This will only cause a further disassociation between what is real and what is in your head because you will forget what “real” feels due to always searching for it like a wild animal in search of its next meal. For all you fellow ND people out there, this could also be seen as a dopamine hit because you are lacking it from another distributor of dopamine. All of this would lead your relationship into being an investigation rather than accepting the fact that it doesn’t and shouldn’t matter either way. If you sincerely believe in it yourself, you won’t be looking for what’s next in line and waiting for that next variable “hit.”
You’re not worried about where it is coming from. It doesn’t matter whether the thought or glimpse of wisdom is coming from a Deity or from yourself. If you are receiving wisdom or glimpses of it from within, it is important to follow that line instead of trying to get whether it is you or Someone else.
Follow it, see where it leads, and if it drifts off, then try again to follow. You’ll feel a wall once it ends and there won’t be anything more. Or, alternatively, you’ll be launched down a new rabbit hole of ideas and concepts you never truly thought of before. Document them before sharing them. Create a journal of what you’ve learned just by following these ideas. Make note of who you might think it is and then carry on. It doesn’t matter where it’s from. It never did.
After all, human genius wasn’t created alone in the first place – the Divine have always influenced us in one way or another. Whether or not we are aware of Them doesn’t matter because it happens whether we believe in the Divine or not.
Intuitive, creative people are not looking for their next validation of being intuitive or creative. They simply are as such and do and create regardless of the source. It just so happens that intuition and creativity are both aspects of our humanity that have been shaped and molded by the Divine without us even being aware. The interconnectedness of us with Them are all aligned.
Lastly, They will make Themselves known on Their own. Deities don’t need us to make Them real. They have always been real. They’ve always been there. We just don’t know how to see or how to understand. You have to trust that Who it is that might be calling you has left you on read because you are too eager to contact Them yourself. Without that eagerness and excitement, They will meet you halfway as long as it is instilled within you that it doesn’t matter.
Because, indeed, if there’s any point that you take away from this it is thus: whether or not the Divine are evident or obvious around you should not determine how you function with Them. Give Them that offering regardless. Go write that poem and give Them that devotion without needing something else in kind.
The expectation of having an experience is what destroys the odds and likelihood of having an experience in the first place and it also kills whatever kind of relationship you might have with Them, as well.
I know this might put some people out. I know it isn’t nearly as exciting as amassing tons of followers on Tumblr because you are amazing and making waves online because of your wacky, interesting experiences that happen almost daily. It definitely doesn’t give you the dopamine hit you’re looking for. But no one ever said this whole spirituality thing was going to be fun or lucrative.
I’m not going to tell you to stop relaying what you’re experiencing online, but it is important to question why you’re doing that in the first place. It is indeed a lonely life, but I suggest finding other unique ways of identifying like minds other than who they work with as a Deity.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it is that the kinds of people that the Gods want me to know will come to me regardless of what I do. Or they won’t. And that will be how it is.
The devastation and heartbreak coming from allowing things to come to pass on their own isn’t a new phenomenon – it is part of what makes us human. It isn’t necessarily a passive relationship, but it is one that comes from a fine balance of accepting that They are real, understanding that They function on Their own, and also empowering yourself to know that you are capable and available when it is needed most.
When it comes to Divine relationships, it is okay to grieve that illusion of control because control is what you give up as admission into the esoteric and the Divine. It is the distress that won’t really stop and one of several burdens that come from the pursuit of mysticism.
There’s a reason it’s always been a small subsect of the population who encounter Deities while everyone else either worships Big Sky Daddy, ends up worshipping him, or ceases to be spiritual/religious altogether. We don’t have the culture to sustain this sort of life. Even before Christianity, it’s always been a small population who pursue the Gods while everyone else simply exists neutrally alongside Them. It’s a mystery tradition rather than one to be shared for every test of time. It simply just isn’t easy and it almost goes against the natural human behavior and distinctions in that way. Patience and giving up control is not one of our many virtues.
That being said, there are things you can do to feel as in control as possible:
Self care. Typical response, yes. But it’s more specific than taking bubble baths or executing boundaries. It’s getting your health in order, taking care of responsibilities, understanding your mental state and working with resources at your disposal to make peace with yourself and become unreliant on the external to take care of yourself for you or give you something to chew on in your otherwise mundane and boring life. This may mean seeking mental health treatment and care. This may mean leaving your situation. This may also mean taking the time for yourself when other people are demanding it without a goal of Deity relationship – just what makes you happy and secure and safe.
Being Present. Now this does go alongside self care but it also goes a bit deeper in that you aren’t always needing some sort of stimulation all the time. You’re not on your phone, needing activities, or working. You’re not dealing with others always, or giving something your full attention at all hours of the day. It’s beyond meditation, it’s making space for the Divine rather than just assuming it’s there.
Work. Divine relationships take more sacrifice and work than people often expect. It is almost always paid back in kind, but in order to get to the point where you are being paid back, you have to put in the effort to survive past being afraid of messing up or doing something incorrectly. You have to be okay with being afraid and doing things anyway and finding peace and satisfaction in the here and now.
Even if the Deity doesn’t respond, the ten minutes you spent praying still can feel relaxing and cathartic. Even if the Deity doesn’t accept the offering, the act and energy of the offering itself is still worthwhile to Them and to you. You’ll never be perfect in this and there will always be something more for you to learn in this path.
I hope that whoever is still reading finds this information helpful. I wish somebody told me this before I went on my merry way into the work that I do. It would have saved a lot of disappointment and dead ends – though, perhaps, if not for those disappointments and dead ends, I wouldn’t be here being able to relate this information to you. Which is all the more meaningful to me that this is helping someone other than myself.
Regardless, let me know your thoughts. Friendly/professional feedback is always welcomed here.
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