Devoured by Flame

For anyone who was a part of the pagan community in the early 2010s onward, knows anything about Lokean history, or even has a specific interest in an esoteric practice that no one gets to talk about, it is quite possible you have seen the resources that have been published this far about it. I have read all of them because I didn’t know better, but unfortunately, it was the only thing that I could find that would reference any remote context for my experience. If you have heard of them, it’s possible you know exactly what I’m talking about – if not, that’s also fine as it’s still a very niche topic.

That being said, I would like to talk a little about the problem some of the published authors who have spoken about their work with the Gods and how much it actually dishonors the Gods they say they work with. 

One of the things from my personal experience is the fact that I am chronically ill. I am not ill enough to be considered legally disabled but I am also ill enough that I cannot function like a normal person can when it comes to specific things. My illness is invisible and it’s more than likely that even when you know me as a person, you’re never going to see nor witness what I deal with at an everyday level.

I have been diagnosed with my issues since the beginning of my freshman year of college which has been about 13 years give or take though I would like to say I have been dealing with them almost all of my life. Even without a diagnosis, at no point in my life can I say that I’ve been super “healthy” nor considered specifically “abled” in the circumstances I speak to. Even now, even with all the work I’ve been doing to make myself healthier and happier and more secure in my life, I cannot say I have been able to completely kick these things and have made peace with the fact that I will not. It isn’t because I haven’t tried – I’ve done everything I thought I possibly can when it comes to resolving it. But at the end of the day, I am disabled, and that is just something I must live with from now until likely the day I die. Though it doesn’t impede me – I am still very fit and healthy in several other ways, I will never be able to fully kick this part of my life.

At the end of the day, it is something I was born with. Something my genetics gave me that I cannot command. It is something my familial history and trauma has gifted me through several circles of ancestry. Like most who inherit their disability, the predisposition given the genetics and trauma is not often spoken about. 

I do not go about my day educating those around me about what I deal with. In fact, most who know me will likely never know what I deal with. I don’t want them to – not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s not their problem. Unless you live with me or are around me 24/7, you’re never going to know – and that’s fine. If it becomes your problem, I’ll merely hint at what I’m going through, but even then, explicit detail is never going to be pointed at.

I take it upon myself to make the most out of my circumstances. I do not wish for these things to cause problems in my relationships and at most, I don’t ever wish for me to compare myself to others whose disabilities render them hospitalized consistently, make them physically incapable of doing everyday tasks, or who likely have issues that they are incapable of hiding. There could never be a point in which I will likely say we are one and the same – I don’t ever wish to assume something of anyone. 

I think, regardless of your situation, the conversations around disabilities in polytheist spaces has often strayed from the dramatic and gone into martyrdom. A lot of the early writings (I am thinking the “northern tradition” and their ilk), have a commonplace theme in which they suggest that the Gods would require you to be disabled to do their bidding. They suggest that “shamans” or spirit workers or whatever they call themselves these days have a way of being disabled and then they make it sound like if you are not doing the work that is provided, they will smite you and cause you chronic health issues without ever saying why or how. 

The fact of the matter is that your health does take quite a hit when it comes to working with the Gods closely. I have dealt with stomach pains, nausea, migraines, and various other illnesses I have since identified as being caused by the Gods I work with and who inhabit my body, my residence, and my life. 

In the beginning of my work with Loki before I became His Spouse, I had issues with migraines so chronically caused by lighting, sound, and any other trigger that would cause me to be oversensitive by my environment. It was difficult to understand why this was happening – I never dealt with migraines before and I had perhaps one migraine before this began when I was a teenager. Never in my life, though, had I had so much discomfort that I would be unable to be in the light of day without sunglasses on – thus my glasses now have transition lenses as this never truly went away. 

Additionally, I would have panic attacks often brought on by heightened energy. My heart would begin to race and I would feel lightheaded in the way you would before any other run of the mill panic or anxiety attack. My temperature shifted and my cheeks were flushed as if I had ran a race prior to this. It would leave my body feeling completely fatigued and immobilized as if I had just ran a marathon or two or three. 

Why this was happening was a cause I wasn’t aware of at the time. I went to the doctor who prescribed me various medications, but even that didn’t assist in the end and it always came back or made my symptoms stronger.

At the time, I think Loki was likely pulling His metaphysical hair out, trying to figure out ways to explain what I was experiencing but all the while, I thought it was my fault – maybe I wasn’t doing enough, maybe I wasn’t being polite enough, maybe my work wasn’t what it was supposed to be. I felt like I was being punished. The reasoning for it was because I read Raven Kaldera books back when I was just beginning my understanding of the Gods, and I thought this was a punishment that would happen until I did the work. 

Needless to say, that author is both a hypocrite and extremely harmful and dangerous. I didn’t know anything about anyone who was doing anything like what I was doing and when I did, they weren’t “in it” enough that I couldn’t even compare my experiences to theirs. In fact, only recently have I heard of anyone else experiencing exactly what I did in the way and function I did.

I have mentioned a couple of times before on this blog and on my Tumblr about it taking a “re-wiring” of your nervous system in order to become more in tune with the Gods in such a way that you become a priestess or a spouse or even those that are just needing to be more in tune with the Gods for one reason or another. Our world isn’t like what it was when there were others who were doing this more broadly and openly – when it wasn’t considered esoteric but rather a job done by a specialist and not some high and mighty claim to power.

These symptoms, I came to learn, were all a part of that purging process. I am still dealing with it every so often when the Gods deem me ready for a new level. The severity of my symptoms became more manageable once I realized what was going on so I could be prepared for it and have different things – mundane and otherwise – that would assist my body in being prepared for what it takes to be as close to a Deity.

For the record, all of the things I described are not part of my earlier diagnosed disability. None of these things happened before – I have no history of heart issues or other underlying symptoms that caused these to happen. They are also correlated with various metaphysical happenings – when I do possessory work or even when I do various levels of trance meditation or even just existing next to Loki while He is in physical form can make my body have a reaction like that.

It also was specific to the regions of my body that could be compared to the chakras that correlate to where the Divine enter and exit – none of which, of course, I was even aware of until I was prompted to research into it. For example, the back of my neck, head, close to my diaphragm, or at the level of my heart would be the specific centers I would feel varying sensations in unpleasant or otherwise painful. 

The fact is, the type of physiological work that comes with being with the Divine in such a way is no small feat. It has taken me almost 8 years to come to terms with this and even when I officially began my transition into being a priestess and later a spouse, I was met with several days that I felt so completely out of sorts, it made it difficult to do my mundane work and then also describe what I was experiencing given that it ebbed and flowed with the energy that surrounded me.

I have also mentioned a few times that you’ll know when the Divine is there because you will feel Them. This is part of that answer, as well. They can either feel like a freight train is coming to mow you down or you will feel completely unaware of your own body because your nervous system doesn’t know how to compensate for the level of energy They have. It doesn’t take a specialist to know or experience this – it just takes an awareness of your own body, its physical needs, and your own mind to get there. It also takes knowing what They want when They come around – if They should choose to. 

Not every experience is going to completely plow you over the side of a cliff and let you dangle there, but regardless of the way you experience it, you will be changed at a level you could not comprehend prior to experiencing Them. 

At the end of the day, the Gods change humans. They change how your body functions, how your nervous system reacts to your external environment, and even the levels of your brain chemistry. They exacerbate problems that you may or may not have been aware of before, and they relieve others that you thought would never go away. 

I cannot safely say that because of this training I have endured that the disability I spoke on earlier has completely vanished. I mentioned that it is a predisposition based on genetic factors and other means I have acquired it.  However, I do not deal with it nearly as often as what I deal with where the Gods are concerned. They bring Their own set of physical problems for me to deal with and if They even wanted me to act upon Their needs, it would and should be Their first priority to help me deal with my own. 

It is no punishment of the Divine for a human to react to the way Their presence is either internally or externally. It is similar to having your body adjust to the temperature of the water in a pool or even the exhaustion and endurance that comes from physical training and exercise. 

Not everyone is meant to endure this – not everyone should. It is not a moral argument that Their metaphysical nature should impact the way a human functions – that would be like saying sunlight shouldn’t help make plants grow. The Gods’ functions serve as a catalyst that can heal and destroy dependent on what you do with the work They require. People can go absolutely mad and destroy themselves – and several have and will do so again – or they will learn to adapt to the way the Gods process and prosper and be healed in the way that only dealing with the Gods can heal. 

As a positive aspect of this – I have not gotten COVID more than twice and I am otherwise rarely or never actually ill with any cold or flu. My immune system has defended against what used to be the worst culprits to my health. Even when I am metaphysically and physically exhausted, it never lasts beyond a couple days and when the Gods step in to assist, They do so happily and without argument or complaint from me nor Them as per my oath. 

Of course, as another aside, there are things I cannot do anymore like eat certain foods or participate in certain activities without triggering a migraine or an adverse reaction that would render me useless to Them and to myself. I don’t make it a habit to go to crowded areas and if I do, I am only there for a little while. I also don’t make a habit of dealing with people who do not help themselves or have energy surrounding them that I can pick up on that is detrimental.

These things only started as a result of my work and the potency of the Gods, not because I choose them. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d be continuing to run into the same problems again and again and again because I didn’t want to be a burden to someone else or cause any significant waves. I had to change my routine, my way of life, and the way I carry myself in this world in order to cope with the physical and metaphysical demands of being a priestess. Not because I wanted to initially, but because there was no other choice until I was pushed to make a decision.

All of this comes at the level that Raven Kaldera and his ilk never talked about as they were so pressed to consider all of this a punishment rather than a willful choice. It is a sacrifice worth making for the betterment of yourself and for those around you rather than being excommunicated from your community for being an edgelord for fun or taking on habits that deter you from being hospitable to those who need it.

I wish more people would come to light and talk about these things – but it has become apparent to me that even if they were capable of talking about it or were experiencing it, they wouldn’t be able to put two and two together to make it fit into the narrative that gets pushed around in polytheist spaces nor is there any context for what this does to your body.

I am hoping that by sharing these experiences, others might seek comfort and maybe be able to continue on this work without as much fear. Or perhaps there are those who feel unsure – perhaps they don’t think they’re “special” enough to have “special powers” that working with the Gods entail. I can tell you from personal experience that this isn’t the case – there are no “special powers” here. It came entirely from the fact that I chose to take this on and in the midst of my undoing, I was transformed at a fundamental level.

This was a long post, but I felt like I needed to make it. I hope whoever needs to read this finds it and perhaps eventually feels comfortable enough to talk about it with a complete stranger on the internet – I invite you to do so.