Like a lot of pagans and polytheists, I struggle with chronic illness as well as AuDHD. I have spoken at length about my problems on this blog to use as a backdrop for my perspective. A lot of my childhood into early adulthood was a combination of my nervous system reacting to trauma due to the emotional, psychological, and mental abuse that happened within my childhood and adulthood home as well as the kind of anxiety that followed being an unpopular “other.” It crippled my sense of self worth and allowed for self deprecation of unspeakable lengths.
This blog post speaks on how trauma affects the human body regardless of life experiences as well as how the nervous system reacts to the Divine. I am not a clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, nor a doctor, I have only done research on this topic as well as personal experience.
That is, of course, until I began to develop a closer relationship with Loki and transformed those issues into things that gave me power.
Now, as a disclaimer, I am not trying to say I have been healed as a direct result of my work with the Gods. I don’t like the assertion that “if you become whole and pure, and just pray, you should be healed.” That is extremely reductive and not how it works at all.
To put it plainly, it is not necessarily a direct result of my work with the Gods that have allowed these issues to dwindle (not disappear). I have also gone on medication, discovered the kind of things that work for my brain and adapted, and rest when I know my nervous system overreacts to the stressors in my everyday mundane life as well as stressors coming from being in such a relationship with the Divine.
My issues have not ceased but rather have dulled due to all of the above. I have become more grounded in my own body and more aware of what I need and don’t need as a result of working with the Gods. I still have chronic pain, fatigue, depression, and anxiety, but I also recognize my needs a bit more acutely given the awareness I now have of my body, mind, and spirit.
That being said, it was not easy to do. This sort of healing did not take place without some sacrifice and some realizations that were not so easy to endure. The ability to directly communicate, become more aware of the presence of the Divine and manifest Them in such a way required certain levels of adjustment both with my mental well-being as well as my physical body.
The nervous system is what overreacts to trauma which signals to your brain that you are not safe and results in your body being in a hyperreactive state to compensate for this stressor. Your body, once it becomes aware that the trauma does not stop regardless of the trigger being present, continues this response until it tires and ultimately breaks down other bodily functions like sleep, digestion, physical stress, and mental processes. Regardless of the fact that being genetically predisposed to certain mental disorders, those mental disorders become more triggered via environmental factors like abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc.
Becoming more attuned to the Divine requires the nervous system to break down and then be rewired. Once your brain realizes that it is safe will it begin to safely unravel the responses your nervous system keeps at hand should it be triggered. Notice I am not saying numbed or dulled down by drugs or things used to dissociate like drinking or addictions. There is no ignoring your brain while you work through this. You must face it down while being grounded and focused on your life.
Mindfulness, eating well, being physically active, as well as using the proper medication (as a result of trial and error) can all assist in becoming more grounded and aware of your body. The added variable of being close to the Divine is a spiritual component that is not often talked about in a healthy way.
In fact, a lot of the conversation that revolves around the Divine nowadays triggers the opposite kind of response that people need in order to actually be closer to the Divine. It triggers paranoia and degradation of the self by making those who are likely already traumatized and overcompensating for what has happened to them. Instead of bringing them closer to the Gods, it destroys their world. These triggered people make themselves an enemy that is conspiring to work against them rather than practicing radical self acceptance and allowing the Divine to guide them closer to Their arms.
This is what inevitably causes symptoms of spiritual psychosis and paranoia. People who are already dealing with trauma have compounding issues that are triggered by the narrative that the Gods are gluttons for punishment, have it out for people who don’t do everything They say, and are watching their every move.
A lot of what I see in places like Reddit and Tumblr are paranoid beginners who are constantly looking over their shoulder regarding every little thing they do with the Gods involved. These people haven’t even begun to properly manifest the Gods in a way that They have any control over their lives. Neither have they begun to create a profound relationship with Them such that they would know what the God in question wants from them.
They are just beginning on this path and they are already in a perpetual state of high stress and resolve that the Gods are unknowable, all-powerful and disruptive beings who wish to break down their lives and wreak havoc. This is not the kind of peaceful bliss that comes with being unified with the Divine that mystics have spoken about for millennia before.
The so-called teachers and self appointed leaders in this modern polytheist era have not done very much to help. The exponential growth of paganism has created a generational gap between the people who come from a culture of witchcraft who then come into polytheism and the newer pagans who come to the Gods in search of something they have no name for. This environment has fostered the growth of several who come into this seeking power and control for those who have no context for what it really means.
While there isn’t a single way that is correct when approaching the Gods, it is important to note that to do so sanely within a mystical context, it is important that fear and paranoia is not integral. My approach won’t look like those who have come before me.
I am also not going to state that there are no punishments when it comes to falsely working with the Gods, hubris, or ignorance, either. I have seen the fallout of people’s lives who get on the wrong side of Loki. I can no longer claim to think that the Gods do not condemn certain behaviors done in Their name nor do They not have any opinion on how it is done, either.
Instead, my approach is somewhere in the middle.
There is a side effect to working closely with the Divine and it is not what most people think it is. It isn’t punishment nor is it harmful. It is healing and it takes years to accomplish. What people think often as a “shamanic illness” is actually what would be your nervous system rewiring to accommodate for the energy and environmental changes that go with the manifestation of the Divine.
What most people do not experience nor speak on often is the presence of the Gods and how it alters your brain chemistry as well as re-establish patterns within your nervous system that were altered already due to trauma.
The best way to describe this feeling is like the chills you get when listening to music on steroids. Some music causes your body to respond by prickling your skin and causing goosebumps to form. The hair on your limbs might stand up. It is an endorphin rush that accompanies the effects of sound being perceived in the brain. This is similar to the kind of endorphin rush that comes from being around the Divine while They are manifesting in proximity to you and you are attuned and aware. I often describe it like becoming a live wire – exposed to any environmental shift or change.
The Divine can manifest to those who do not believe in Them. Humans are naturally wired to pick up on Them regardless of belief or awareness. No human can be around such large forms of energy in Their entirety without having some sort of reaction. It’s just whether or not you recognize what it is. The Divine are likely not intending on having any sort of conversation with those who are in close range to who They are not speaking to. Instead, the uninitiated tend to write it off as some random anxiety or change in air pressure for some unknown reason and continue on with their day.
The Divine influence humans in several ways without their knowing. Most notably, artists, authors, musicians, poets, etc. all have creatively been used as outlets for Divine creation. Divinity is inherently a creative energy – when you are more aware of what that feels like, you will become more attuned to yourself and Their nature.
Attunement, however, is not easy. To reverse nervous system responses, reactions to triggers, and other things that separate us from sensing the Divine, there is a significant amount of healing to do. Some of it can happen alongside the Divine and other parts happen alone.
I would say that I was pretty much on my own until this past year, actually. I would be thrown bones to understand what I was dealing with. I didn’t fully understand until I began carrying Loki and eventually marrying Him. Loki didn’t abandon me or leave me to my own devices. Instead, He would put things into my path to lead me to my understandings of myself and Him that I have today.
The real work began when He became more real and I began working on possession as well as manifestation. My nervous system did not respond well for many months. I began to think I had chronic migraines. I made adjustments to my style of living and eating. I regarded this as a hormonal shift but I soon realized that it was much more than that.
My chronic migraines stopped when Loki was around me. The more exposed to His manifested energy I was, the better prepared I was for dealing with Him.
This is what I would call to be a spiritual illness. Note that it is not a punishment of not working with the Divine but rather the result of what working with the Divine requires from a human body. Should I have had less context than I did, I would have dismissed it all as chronic illness and not have gone forward with the skills I have now as a result. There were multiple cause and effect situations that led to this reasoning that had nothing to do with the mundane.
If I was constantly predisposed to believe this was some sort of punishment for my lack of trying or ignorance, I would have likely burned out a long time ago. I would likely run and never look back. If there is no point in the suffering, if there is no healing, why even be around the Divine in the first place?
What I don’t understand is the moral implications of it all. Why would anyone have it out for themselves in such a way that they desire the Divine to punish them? Why would you be so hard-pressed to find the answers without consulting the Gods Themselves?
At the end of the day, shame, fear, and paranoia have no place in mysticism. I denounce any who try to frame this work as a shame-based approach and claim to know better. It is extremely dangerous to have that kind of mentality while working with the Gods.
Additional resources for trauma-based approaches in mental health:
Devoured by Flame 