Devoured by Flame

Maintaining healthy boundaries is an important aspect of sustainable mystical practice. Boundaries tend to show up in most mainstream spaces as “it is important to know you can tell your Gods ‘no’” or “you don’t need to make every waking moment about your Deity.” While these two concepts are important to keep in mind, it is also important to understand where they come from and what you can do to ensure that you are learning and growing with your Deity sustainably all the while keeping your sanity straight.

Boundaries can become overused to the point where it becomes something akin to abuse or gaslighting. It can become self-righteous when you think that just because you think something isn’t okay, doesn’t automatically mean that the other person would know that. It is important to realize that not everything that is widely considered to be “boundaries” are a healthy form of being in a relationship. They can also shut down any form of agreement or negotiations before they happen. They tend to take the “my way or the highway” approach when it’s not something that person wanted.

Boundaries are meant to be a form of self empowerment, not a shield to hide behind. This is true in Deity work especially. I’ve seen more people than I can count wanting to work with a Deity, only to get upset and shut down the moment They start to behave in a way they don’t like. They also would write it off as an imposter and assume the Deity is incapable of being offensive.

There is a fine line to walk between. There’s never going to be a hard and fast rule about boundaries simply because they are so personal but it is important to be prepared for anything. 

Cause for the Initial Upset and Disagreement

When it comes to discovering boundaries with people like myself who are chronic people pleasers, the answer is not always obvious in the moment of what you need to do in regards to creating and maintaining boundaries. Discomfort is an obvious side effect to working with any Deity so when there is a lot of people pleasing-based behavior involved in your relationship, discomfort is more manageable and more ignorable. 

On the flip side, with other people for whom pleasing people is not always such an obvious issue, discomfort is an automatically triggering aspect enough to shut down. This can make it even harder for the Deity to get through that wall and get through to that follower initially. Sometimes this comes from people who have realized that they are people pleasers and are trying to make consistent change so that they never are again.

There is a point in which discomfort can be met with inquiry and curiosity before a boundary gets made. Before assuming that the Deity is trying to be harmful, consider that Deities do not function like human beings. They do things on purpose and in the way They think is meaningful and suitable for your circumstances. Things that a Deity might do can seem like objectionable behavior should you be interacting with Them like you would with another human being. In fact, a lot of the reasons why Deities might be seemingly abusive would be because They are trying to make a point and reflect that which you encounter within the mundane. 

After the initial upset, it is important to ask why it happened in the first place. What could They possibly be showing you or acting as a mirror for? Are there other people in your life who do these things to you? What are They trying to prove to you is going on in the mundane that They are pointing out through other means? 

While Their behavior is objectionable, it can still be meaningful. While it is more than okay to be upset with the Deity for acting like that, it is also something you can take to learn from in a safe way. Should a human behave like that, it would be incredibly problematic and a red flag. No human has any right to “teach someone a lesson” by behaving poorly and should be avoided at all costs. 

Neither does any Deity have the right to treat a human like shit to make a point. But that is why boundaries are important and can be a lot more complex than to never expect Them to be a triggering aspect of your work again. 

To give an example of this, Loki especially is a Deity who will push until boundaries are crossed and then expect you to draw the line once it has been realized. Should you never draw it, you will likely have issues with Him being a total asshole. Should you draw it too soon as a reaction or panic-induced, it may cause you to shut down and panic. It is okay to lick your wounds and take time from Him just to recover, but once that has passed, it is important to ask why He would do that in the first place? Most people tend to assume He is dangerous and therefore when He does those things, they run the opposite way because it could never get better. While I don’t advocate for His behavior, I do know that He behaves in certain ways in order to get a reaction from you on purpose. 

In the beginning of my work with Loki, He was always pushing me. He would push me to go harder because I could while also knowing that it would eventually burn me out of Him. At the same time, there are so many other things in my life that made me burn out beyond Him because my standards for myself are extremely high. However, this is not who He is in general – this is only a face He wears when He needs to. The point was never to get me to leave Him, it was for me to find boundaries and understand why I could never have a sustainable practice with Him. Once that line has been drawn, I am one step closer to recognizing my own patterns, understanding His faces and why He wears them, and also in knowing Him as Himself and not with a face. 

Though I told Him to never behave that way with me again, I also recognized that it served a function and a place in my life that I would never have seen should He not go out of His way to do that. Regardless of that boundary, situations would arise in which the same tender nerve would be plucked over and over again and until I got to the bottom of it, I would repeat the cycle over and over again. 

The point in all of this is that Deities show you things in your life that need to change and each of Them have Their own methods in doing so. If They are plucking a sensitive subject, it is because it needs to be examined. Not because They are out for blood or trying to push you away. If you crack down on it and shut it down and expect it to never come up again, you will likely be missing the point in the reason behind why They do what They do. 

Deities are opportunistic, efficient, and effective. If They see a way in, They will most definitely take it and do not waste time making sure it is done. However, should Their means of achieving this would be significantly harmful for your mental health, They are not going to read your mind and often do not know what circumstances have caused such a negative reaction until after it has already happened. Until that point, They might only be looking at the overarching positive parts and not the smaller, more harmful details that it can cause in your life.

This is why boundaries with Deities are important. It is important to state your concerns, state what you feel, and make sure you are clear with Them what you are feeling and why. Until that point, They either will make a point not to poke you to understand it should They already know your reasoning, or They will oversee your challenges especially as you are beginning to know Them. 

However, this takes a kind of self awareness that may not already be seen until after the issue has passed – and that also might be the point in the issue being brought up in the first place. 

There is no way for anyone to grow as a mystic without being challenged by the Divine. It is something that is as old as time itself to be tested and shown your strengths and weaknesses by the Divine – if you cannot allow that to happen by shutting down the moment it happens and not allowing them to show your reasoning, you will likely never grow and further hinder any continuous communication and work from that Deity.

Negotiating Boundaries and Terms of Service

I will first state that you do not have to put up with any Deity you are not oathed or bound to in any way. This is why oaths are important to only be done after having known the Deity for a while (read: several years) and after having seen what They are capable of. Though oaths can be changed and renegotiated, if you are so traumatized by what you encountered, it is unlikely you will stop being bothered by the Deity you are oathed or bound to, They will just be less present. 

Negotiation is an important aspect of any healthy relationship especially when it comes to figuring out what happened, why it ended that way, and what you can do going forward. Boundaries can be renegotiated once the original upset has settled and you can try again in allowing Them that kind of freedom in your life. You are not closing the door shut permanently, but allowing room for growth to be done on your terms rather than be controlled by fear and subjugation. 

However, there is only so much a Deity can and cannot do in order for it to not be triggering for humans. Divine beings in general naturally are triggering by the way of Their existence. They are huge, enormous, beings of pure energy who has the power over things that we will likely never fully understand or realize. It is a side effect of being human who has never been faced with any naturally known predators to become triggered by Their actions. It is even worse of a side effect should the human be already sufficiently traumatized on their own. 

This is how negotiations happen. You cannot know what They are capable of doing, so it is important to state your feelings first. They, in turn, would need to see it and understand that what They are doing is causing more harm than growth. Once that is recognized, They can then offer you other ways and reasons for which these circumstances would come up with or without your knowledge. It is mostly trial and error even for the Deity involved. It is important to maintain a feeling of discovery before snapping any doors lock shut. In some cases, the Deity probably knows it’s harmful but is doing it to prove something and are waiting for you to make that change. 

However, there are unforgivable things that can happen. There are things that cannot be reversed and are not okay. It is entirely possible that They might push too far too soon and you might need to consider working with another Deity at that point as They might not be suitable for you. That looks different for different people. 

I know this to be the case with a lot of Loki’s people. I have seen most relationships with Loki go up in flames because Loki tends to be the cause of a lot of adverse reactions. He is not subtle, either, and because it is so obvious, He takes the blame for it even when most of the time, it is something that you ended up doing due to the wool being pulled over your eyes. Suffice to say, He is most certainly not everyone’s cup of tea. Many people are not meant to be working with Him as many do not tolerate Him and many do not realize it until they have formed an image of Him in their brain that ceases to be real thus why there are so many conflicting feelings and opinions surrounding Him among His people and others.

However, He rarely causes harm that is irreversible. Most people who burn out tend to not stick around for the benefits of His destruction. They see the harm and run rather than understanding that the point is to bring in new things and growth. In the mythology, Loki often gives back tenfold what He takes. He does not ruin things for the fun of it – He does it because there are better times around the corner and He gives people the opportunity to do such. Even when better things do happen, Loki tends to not get the credit because of the adversity He has in the mainstream focus. 

Loki is an excellent example of why boundaries with Gods are important if only because He is unique and extraordinary in the lengths He will go to to push people toward their discomfort. A lot of people see this side of Him and assume that is who He is when it’s not – there is a point and a purpose. To not have that would be to miss the point of His work. 

In Conclusion

Boundaries have most recently been made out to be a black and white thing wherein you can be told to cut out someone the moment they are breaking a boundary. It is important to understand that Gods are not human and do not function based on human values.

Deities tend to know more than They let on though it might not seem like it. They tend to do things in the way They feel it is best to be handled and They ignore the typical rules of society. It is supposed to be this way – not all Deities will be as subversive as Loki and any other trickster Deity but all Deities are going to be “off” by human standards. It is not our prerogative to force Them to abide by human standards – it is Their responsibility to do no harm due to that and it is our responsibility to communicate when harm is done.

It is important to note that humans have always had a very partnered relationship with Gods and boundaries have always been put into consideration. It is more recently that humans become aggressively opposed to the idea that Deities can be shitty and do what They do best which is reflect the behavior of humans back to humanity. It is not new to enforce boundaries with Gods – but it is new to even need to feel the inability to say so due to Christian influence and upbringing.