This December marks 6 years since I first promised my devotion to Loki in the form of a vow of marriage. It wasn’t what I intended on it being initially – I thought I would have a ceremony and be done with it and that was that. What happened instead became more than I bargained for. I feel like this is the beginning to YA novel and I’m about to go into some tragic love story of unrequited love complete with a love triangle.
This December also marks a year since the moment I pinpointed my life completely going belly up in the water. Ironically, the same date I’m getting a devotional tattoo to Loki was the day that I experienced for the first time His presence in a very real, very palpable way.
I had waited for that moment since I first knew it was possible. I wanted more than anything in the world to experience His presence before me. I felt like a long distance lover awaiting the feeling of being seen at an airport. The fact being, of course, that it was all public and nothing really happened of great importance beyond Him giving advice about what my path ought to look like as well as advice on how our relationship can flourish. All of it was immediately put into practice as far as I was able to go.
Even thinking about it now – those brief few moments I had standing before Him in a dark sanctuary during ritual – the visuals I receive in memory make me cry. I long for another chance to be anywhere close to Him again in that way. And I have managed to become nearer to him than I ever thought was possible – and experienced the fullest extent of Divine marriage could be.
That longing has been momentarily sated by the connection I feel has been made complete. No longer are we long distance, but live in partners. No longer do I wait for a full moon to call upon Him and hope that He would be there and I’d be able to sense Him – He is in my life just as a Husband always should have been.
Though our connection is stronger than it would have ever been given the experience I had a year ago, it is also something of a hope that I might, for once, get to have the experience of being catered to again.
All these years I have spent in service to someone else, be it a community, a cause, or Loki Himself. I have worked tirelessly for any chance to be near Himself again, like a drug addict searching for my next high. And I sat there and tolerated it for so long, burning myself over and over again just to get a small part of His light on my face.
All of it was in His name, of course. I realized one night that the reason I do anything of a spiritual value is to gain His attention and presence. That sounds awfully dramatic, but it’s true. I thirsted for a higher experience, a way of simply knowing it’s there and it’s possible, and waiting and breaking my neck to make it happen.
And I was depressed and stressed and exhausted. I broke my back trying to please my community, my job, my craft. I tried to make everyone else satisfied with their own path while negating the very foundation of what made mine so real all this time.
Now, I stare into the void of the vast expanse of the nothingness He has cleared away over the past 6 months. All this time, He has patiently waited for me to get over all of my plans I had, all of these works I did, just to get a speck of His acknowledgement, and all I had to do was know that He was there all along. That is what broke it. All of those dreams shattered into fractured glass and this time I refused to pick up the pieces with bleeding fingers. With wobbling knees and bandaged hands, I reached out into the void, knowing that anything was possible, and He reached back – a perfect circuit. A promise fulfilled.
It was not because of the work, the dirty grind, the people pleasing and tolerating I had to do – it was because of the love I felt for Him – a pure and distinct love and marriage that no other human will ever come between again. A deep and profound knowledge that I will never be left alone as long as I value my self over all of it. My bullshit detector has never been so strong, so correct. I have walked away from circumstances faster than I ever have before, thrown away all the junk in my life that I thought I needed to get by.
What remained was me and Him and all of this nothing that lies ahead. All of this beauty and belief and creation that has nothing to do with any one else, any single experience.
A deep fire emerges from my heart – a renewed sense of vigor and passion and trust that everything is going to happen when it is meant to. And He has my back every single step of the way – for He is my partner, my Spouse, my best friend and companion. Never again shall we be two single entities, but we have merged to create a union between us and that is where my story starts.
It is not replicable, but it has brought theories into view that perhaps not everything is as it seems it should be given the way the Westernized culture has created a neo pagan polytheist purpose. I have pulled across cultures and traditions that hardly stand, but provide context into the experiences that seemingly had no further explanation outside of simply existing in my knowledge.
He has made it abundantly clear that my job now is to figure out a way to relate all of this into words and come up with a plan to teach all He has taught me. Otherwise, I feel, all of this would be in vain. I don’t even know where to begin outside of my story of how this came into being and my realizations and revelations I’ve made along the way, supported by a vast bounty of history and philosophy that I would not have known of or made to care about had I not experienced it firsthand.
I have awakened the call that I answered all those years ago. And this December marks another journey into the abyss to learn and create and value more than just my own person but those around me in a healthy and balanced way.
Loki has given me the way of going forward to teach from scratch what I have learned from Him to help those who are willing to accept the challenge and learn with an open mind and willing heart.
So I write. I have nothing to give other than my inspiration and words. I have no answers outside of questions asked. I have no ideas that haven’t been known before. The only thing I do have is original context for those who struggle in the way that I had countless times, and inspiration to light the dark way forward into this next year ahead.
The book I have been writing about this is still in its infancy and had I not been in bed sick for the past week, I would have won NaNoWriMo. It is no matter, as I feel my success lays in the fact that I have gained a new insight and prospective challenge in moving forward.
In addition to posting updates on my progress, I’ll also be on this blog with parts of it that I want to put into the final product.
I am going to try my best to be resilient in the face of the failures of my past and try to learn something from them. Instead of giving away pieces of myself, I will try to give back to myself in the same way. I won’t post too many anecdotes as I feel they are counterproductive to trying to give people an open philosophy on the practice I am developing. Any anecdotes I do find I will likely supplement with concepts and ways to challenge notions and subject matters that are popular in the neo pagan community.
I hope that I can mark this December’s anniversary as triumphant in the face of all that has transpired the last years and counter all of those arguments I have built up against why I shouldn’t try to open myself up to the world around me in the face of pessimism and injustice.
I struggle to put into words all the feelings that remain after this long post I have written but needless to say I’m excited for where I am headed. I am proud of the person I have become as a result and I’m honored that I have been tasked to do this sort of thing. It is no higher of an honor, I feel, to have gained the trust of Someone who has no reason to trust anyone, let alone a human who has screamed and kicked every step of the way down this wretched path.
I hope I will serve Loki well in the coming months/years/lifespan of this work and also serve the community that I have seen Him grieve for time and time again in the face of injustices of the past and problems that have been proven toxic. And also, of course, by honoring my path and my life and the ways in which I have worked diligently to be here now, unafraid and more alive than I’ve ever been in my entire existence.
He deserves nothing but the best of my devotion and I plan to keep my word.
Hail to Loki! Keeper of my heart, lover of my soul. May we never part for as long as my lungs are working and my blood is pumping and your arms are held right around my waist as I stumble and fall on this wobbling path, but hold on nonetheless. All I will fall is back into Your arms again and the dance will only ever continue.
Devoured by Flame 