I mean, every month is Loki’s month in my world but July especially seems to be high vibe for Himself. The past years, it hasn’t been exceedingly memorable but the past years have also been a blur considering where I was at financially, emotionally, and mentally.
This July, however, pressed every single one of my buttons. Just when I thought things would get easier from here on out, it stacked against me. I don’t even know how July was only 31 days because it’s felt more like 60.
The end of June into the beginning of July, I left my kindred and had a profound realization that that wasn’t my path anymore. I’ve stopped identifying as “heathen” and that’s made things so much more free and bearable.
And then… shit got real, I guess. I’m not going to get into it but let’s just say there’s a sacrifice to be made in all mystical practices. I don’t mean to sound edgy or hardcore, but rather, life becomes a lot more intolerable when you act out of alignment with yourself. It feels like sandpaper on my skin the longer I sit with things like that. And the more years that pass by with Loki, the shorter amount of time it takes for me to end whatever that is.
Making decisions and laying down boundaries has been a difficult process that I am only beginning to see the rewards of. I wonder if the heat of July is the reason why it’s Loki’s month – because the heat is suffocating especially where I am, and it feels like you’re swallowing water and drowning in humidity. And perhaps the weather accentuated my trials. It made existing in the way I was so unbearable I had to do something about it.
The beginning of this month is not like the end of this month. I feel a distinct separation between who I was before July and who I am after. I didn’t expect that. I wanted to fly by, figuring 2022 was shit so why make 2023 shittier?
And honestly, outside of the spiritual and cerebral situations I’ve found myself in, my life is pretty okay. It is really everyone and everything around me that seems to be falling apart and rebuilding. And I just get to be the voyeur to it all and sit with myself with my hands tied and my mouth shut.
As much as I wanted to do something about what I was experiencing, I was told repeatedly by Loki to stay out. Things had nothing to do with me. I needed to sit out of these ordeals people have been going through – I can’t sway them any one way. I can’t do anything about it. To some of these situations, I was the catalyst – a passive object that set someone else’s universe aflame without me realizing it and I could only watch.
And I wonder if that’s what the Gods feel like. They sit there and can’t do anything when we can’t hear Them or won’t listen enough for us to make choices that aren’t the same old suffering we’re used to. I wonder how many times They kick Themselves and wonder why it is They have to be such a passive observer so often because there is no other choice.
It made me realize the world goes on without my interference. Not that my words have no meaning – quite the opposite. They have loaded meaning. And I am responsible with many things. I have to use these things responsibly or not at all.
And I guess, also, that’s what a mystic is, to an extent. Empowered such that they become passive enough to become a vessel for the Divine to flow easily through. Passivity is the best way to be, because the moment you form opinions on what the spirits and Gods have to say before They even say it, the moment the message becomes clouded and you can spiral into oblivion.
So though I did… absolutely nothing beyond leave my kindred, I managed to blow up some shit. It’s not to say I wipe my hands of all responsibility completely, but I cannot have such shame and guilt about it that I try to force things to be okay and end up mucking shit up in the process because I’m too emotional.
It’s been wild. Very wild. I suspect next month will be the same way – but it won’t be Loki’s month.
So hail Loki! Because there’s no way I would have made it through this month if it wasn’t for His grace, guidance, and patience. His vigilance and careful planning and wisdom knows no bounds. I am very appreciative regardless of how mind numbingly painful it was to ease my firm grip off of the reins for a moment.
Devoured by Flame 