5 July: When–if ever–was the first time you felt loved by Loki?
The first time? Hmm. That’s hard to say. And mostly because I have spent the majority of our relationship telling myself that He doesn’t love me as much as I love Him and tampering myself down so I wouldn’t get hurt. Ironically, we were even married long before I ever felt loved in return. So to truly have felt loved by Him?
I think it was possibly October of 2019. I went to my first pagan gathering and it was an extensive ritual (4 days long) and though I had picked a fairly beginner clan, I don’t really know what it was, but at the last ritual, I felt vaguely held by Loki. The ritual itself was for the ancestors – and it did kickstart my ancestor veneration – however, it was the songs we were all gathered together singing while waiting for everyone to finish that really struck a cord I had been neglecting on striking.
I could, for one of the first times, feel physically held by Him. I felt His presence and the air thicken as we sung a song of invocation and then later danced with the invoked dead and Beings. The energy was so immense that the back of my neck was just, in pain and I couldn’t stop shaking. And then… it stopped. And we all stopped for… I don’t know how long, and looked at the moon and howled.
That was one of the most significant parts of my beginning experiences with Loki. I don’t remember how I came into knowing that He loved me back that weekend as specifics were vague and murky as they usually are in sacred space. But I do remember feeling, for the first time, loved. I went to bed that night and we cuddled and I cried. I think I cried for most of that weekend, actually, into coming home. I remember curling into a ball on the bed and just… sobbing. For hours and hours. And feeling so overwhelmed. And that was that.
It was funny, though. None of the focus of the weekend was something I walked away with besides my proximity to Himself. I am grateful, though. Always and always grateful.
Devoured by Flame 